18 rules for dining out

Somehow I always manage to dine with the weirdos. I am sure if you dine out regularly you will recognise many of the traits that follow in other people you dine with.

Take this post as it is written, a tongue-in-cheek poke at all of those people who have dined with me over the years. You know who you are. 😉

1. Chew with your mouth closed.
2. Don’t speak with your mouth full of food.
3. Brush your teeth at least once in the 12 hours previous to being in my company.
4. Do not masticate louder than my pets.
5. Learn to use a knife & fork properly. “American Style” merely suggests you should consider having your next dinner date at McDonald’s. 😉
6. Do not endlessly fidget by bouncing your leg, drumming your fingers, tapping your eating utensils.
7. Do not ask me a question, or begin a topic of conversation, only to answer your cell phone half-way through, and do this at least 5 times within an hour.
8. Do not take an hour to decide what to eat, if when entering the restaurant it is announced that they will close in 15 minutes and the restaurateur who is a personal friend has allowed us to be seated.
9. Taking longer to decide what to order — even though you have ate at the restaurant on more than one occasion and you always order the same thing every time — than it does for me to order my meal, consume it at a leisurely pace and wonder what is for desert. It is a sure sign you probably need therapy.
10. The above rule applies doubly so when we visit a “fast food” place such as “In’n’Out Burger” that contains precisely four items on the menu* (not including soft drinks) and I have time to finish the thick shake, my burger and warm the engine up on the car before you have decided precisely what kind of burger you want (burger, burger with cheese, double burger, double burger with cheese, how hard can it be people?)
11. Do not host a 30-minute phone conversation with your boss/significant other/OBGYN during the meal. Any phone conversation that is not a justifiable emergency or lasts longer than 20 seconds is not suitable for the dinner table.
12. Do not make “fingernails on black board” noises with your knife when cutting food every time you use it.
13. Do not analyse the contents or ingredients of our meals. I’m a better cook than you and I already know what’s in my food. Showing your cleverness by masticating thoughtfully then declaring the list of ingredients is like listening to someone describe their Yu-Gi-Oh card deck in exquisite detail.
14. Please belch after the meal is over, and not in my direction.
15. Learn to eat spaghetti and noodles correctly. I don’t appreciate your food on my shirt, plate, etc.
16. The amount of saliva in your mouth should be less than the amount of water in your glass so that I don’t wind up with my food having a watery texture every time you talk to me.
17. You are permitted to breathe during your sixty minute monologue without fear of interruption.
18. Bathe! If your aroma is stronger than the Italian food that uses lots of garlic it is a sure sign of a personal hygiene problem.

And I’ll mention these again because I think they are really important:

1. Learn to use a knife and fork properly.
2. Chew with your mouth closed.
3. Bathe!

* Except for their secret menu, which contains another six items.