Random Person I Am Obliged To Aid At the Behest Of My Wife: “I cannot log in.”
“What is the problem?” I ask over the phone.
Person: “I cannot access my bank account.”
Proceed to diagnose why they cannot log in to their bank account, it takes a while. We establish that the mouse is not working correctly and jumping around on the screen for no apparent reason.
Me: “Can you unplug the mouse and see if it is still jumping around?”
Person: “I did that.”
Me: “Do it again, just humour me.”
Person: “Okay, done. It’s still jumping around.”
Me: “And you’re sure the mouse is unplugged?”
Person: “Yes, I have it in my hand right here. When I move the mouse around it is still jumping.”
Me: “You said you unplugged the mouse.”
Person: “I have two mice. A black one and a red one. Should I unplug the other mouse too?”
Person: “Did that. Mouse pointer is still jumping around.”
Me: “And you are sure both mice are unplugged?”
Person: “Yes, and the mouse pointer is still jumping around. Oh wait, it’s doing it less now, but it is still jumping around. Oh, now it has stopped completely.”
Me: “Can you plug in just one of the mice and try it out?”
Person: “Okay, it’s not working.”
Me: “Describe it to me?”
Person: “I plugged the mouse in to the other laptop and it isn’t working.”
Me: “So you have a dead mouse.”
Person: ” I tried both mice and neither seem to work.”
Me: “Two dead mice.”
Person: “I don’t understand why it moves the mouse pointer on my daugher’s laptop though.”
Person: “I move the mouse and nothing happens on my laptop.
Me: “Where is the mouse plugged in to?
Person: “My daughter’s laptop.
Me: “Can you plug the mouse back in to your laptop?”
Person: “Oh, the mouse pointer on the screen started jumping again before I even did that.”
Me: “So there is no mouse plugged in to your computer and the mouse pointer is jumping around? Is it jumping randomly? Or moving like someone is using it?”
Person: “Well it looks like someone is using it…”
My thought = malware.
Person: “…but as though they have Parkinsons and it is just clicking everywhere. There’s these white circles whenever it shows up.”
Okay, randomly. Wait, white circles? That’s a touch screen problem.
Me: “I don’t think I can diagnose this over the phone. You should probably get someone to look at it.”
Person: “Oh, okay, this only started because the screen was dirty.”
Me: “You have a dirty touch screen?”
Person: “Not anymore, I cleaned it with Windex. It was all smudgy.”
Me: “Yeah, take it to the Geeksquad, they’ll fix it for you.”