Quip

“Could you fax over a copy of your resume?” asked the HR person working at a major video game company.

“Sorry, because of where I live, we don’t have fax machines.” I responded.

“Really?” She said surprised. “You must live in a pretty backward country. I thought you were in Los Angeles. Where do you live?”

“The 21st century.” I replied.

“He is with God now.” said the preachy friend who is well aware of my distaste of all things religious.

“Please keep your religion out of my grief.” I responded.

You don’t want to be listened to, you just want to be heard.

Coupon: Good for one instance of me fixing your computer without being condescending.

I have taken on too much adult responsibility when I am clearly not an adult.

Some people just bring out the HR violation in me.

Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in somebody else’s life.

Managing expectations are important and if we have some idea of what to expect, we can manage it.

I have always felt that people should be promoted rapidly so that we can get some idea of the scale of fuck up they can achieve.

“God has a plan, we don’t always understand his plan.” said the person trying to comfort me.

“I think your God may have a plan, but nobody ever said it was a good plan. I’ve met stoners who come up with plans, it usually ends up crashing the car at 3AM because they went to get donuts.”

Déjà Moo.

The feeling that you have experienced this exact same bullshit at least once before.

I’d really enjoy using Linux a lot more if it wasn’t for the operating system.

 

I can’t wait for my annual fortnight of “dreading coming back to work.”

I am of the opinion that our team meetings would go much faster if nobody actually said anything.

Somedays, when I am at work, I like to go crazy and treat myself by just doing one thing at a time.

I do so love getting congratulated by my colleagues for having done a stellar job and good work sufficiently well that it got my boss promoted and me nothing.

A visit to Silicon Valley and San Francisco has made me realise one thing.

Intelligence is the new rock and roll.

My C.V. is loosely based on the story of my career.

Just spent the past week busting my arse looking for job where I can slack off.

Unfortunately I couldn’t find one so instead I’ve decided to become self-employed.

Those that fail to read William Gibson are doomed to repeatedly reinvent his style.

There are some people that I will be sad to see go in the coming layoffs.

I’m going to miss having them around to blame for the quality of my work.

I’ve always found teamwork to be absolutely essential in my endless quest to find someone else to blame for my fuckups.

A woman with a beautiful body is good for a few years.

But a woman with a beautiful mind is good for a lifetime.

I am a great believer in not putting off until tomorrow that which I can avoid for the rest of my life.

Sing like there’s nobody listening.

Dance like there’s nobody watching.

sudo like there’s reliable backups.

I am the kind of person capable of committing six HR violations in a single sentence.

I’m truly sorry the calendar played a cruel joke on you this year by making your birthday fall on a Monday

I think most the problems in our society started to accumulate right around the same time that we stopped drinking our ale from the skulls of our enemies.

For years I slept on, or rather visited, for a few weeks at a time, my bed in my home.

On that bed I had a memory foam mattress.

The problem with memory a foam mattress is that if you don’t sleep on it for any length of time, a few weeks touring with your band for instance, the memory foam mattress forgets who you are.

Memory foam is obviously short-term memory only.

And when my mattress got older, it suffered from complete amnesia.

Which somehow is a metaphor of life.

I have dyslexia and dysgraphia.

I don’t have bad handwriting.

I just have my very own font.

Today’s my last at a job I mentally checked out of years ago.

I’m truly sorry my recent absence from the office caused you to have to do your own work.

Today I turned a gallon of coffee in to a pint of piss and a pint of code.

And I have no clue where the rest of the coffee went.

Maybe I sweated it out in that stupid project management meeting that lasted four hours.

I would insult you but I hate wasting good comedic material on such a small audience.

I have found it terribly difficult to focus in an environment where they actually expect me to do my job.

As a team lead I always feel guilty at bonus time. How do I convey the fact I am happy that because of their hard work throughout the year I got a bigger bonus?

“You may find this surprising but I’ve been called worse things by better people and not once has it changed my behaviour or made me want to continue working for them.”

I have found myself wishing, throughout our friendship, that we could be better strangers to each other.

I am a highly skilled negotiator when it comes to talking myself out of doing anything productive

I do so love a good political joke.

Right up until it gets elected.

Dear God, please give me the patience but not the strength to deal with the idiots I will face today.

With patience I will tolerate them.

But with strength I will haul off and smack them.

I’m so vague you probably think this diary entry is about you.

It doesn’t take much to get hired around here.

You need to be smart.

And you need to get shit done.

Which makes me wonder how I got a job here.

Oh wait, I own the company.

 

I have found that people who don’t have much to say make an awful lot of noise saying it.

“You make a lot of noise for someone who doesn’t have much to say.”

If it wasn’t for me, everything would get done around here.

Voting is kind of like getting vaccinated.

It doesn’t have much effect on the entire population if only one person does it.

But if enough people do it, it stops some bad stuff from happening.

P.S. Don’t forget to vote!

The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off due to budget cuts.

It must be quite the hindrance to find that you have exhausted your entire vocabulary in a single sentence.

My mouth can very much get me in to trouble at times:

“I wasn’t insulting you. I was describing you.”

The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee in to a gallon of urine

“Ohmigod you really can’t see shit without these!” declared my friend to another who wears thick bottle rimmed glasses.

“No shit. Do you take a cripple’s wheelchair and roll around in declaring ‘Ohmigod, you really can’t walk for shit without this!’?” I asked.