Taking your kids to work is a great way to combine the two most annoying things in somebody else’s life.
Managing expectations are important and if we have some idea of what to expect, we can manage it.
I have always felt that people should be promoted rapidly so that we can get some idea of the scale of fuck up they can achieve.
“God has a plan, we don’t always understand his plan.” said the person trying to comfort me.
“I think your God may have a plan, but nobody ever said it was a good plan. I’ve met stoners who come up with plans, it usually ends up crashing the car at 3AM because they went to get donuts.”
The feeling that you have experienced this exact same bullshit at least once before.
I’d really enjoy using Linux a lot more if it wasn’t for the operating system.
I can’t wait for my annual fortnight of “dreading coming back to work.”
I am of the opinion that our team meetings would go much faster if nobody actually said anything.
Somedays, when I am at work, I like to go crazy and treat myself by just doing one thing at a time.
I do so love getting congratulated by my colleagues for having done a stellar job and good work sufficiently well that it got my boss promoted and me nothing.
A visit to Silicon Valley and San Francisco has made me realise one thing.
Intelligence is the new rock and roll.
My C.V. is loosely based on the story of my career.
Just spent the past week busting my arse looking for job where I can slack off.
Unfortunately I couldn’t find one so instead I’ve decided to become self-employed.
There are some people that I will be sad to see go in the coming layoffs.
I’m going to miss having them around to blame for the quality of my work.
I’ve always found teamwork to be absolutely essential in my endless quest to find someone else to blame for my fuckups.
A woman with a beautiful body is good for a few years.
But a woman with a beautiful mind is good for a lifetime.
I am a great believer in not putting off until tomorrow that which I can avoid for the rest of my life.
Sing like there’s nobody listening.
Dance like there’s nobody watching.
sudo like there’s reliable backups.
I am the kind of person capable of committing six HR violations in a single sentence.
I’m truly sorry the calendar played a cruel joke on you this year by making your birthday fall on a Monday
I think most the problems in our society started to accumulate right around the same time that we stopped drinking our ale from the skulls of our enemies.
For years I slept on, or rather visited, for a few weeks at a time, my bed in my home.
On that bed I had a memory foam mattress.
The problem with memory a foam mattress is that if you don’t sleep on it for any length of time, a few weeks touring with your band for instance, the memory foam mattress forgets who you are.
Memory foam is obviously short-term memory only.
And when my mattress got older, it suffered from complete amnesia.
Which somehow is a metaphor of life.
I have dyslexia and dysgraphia.
I don’t have bad handwriting.
I just have my very own font.
Today’s my last at a job I mentally checked out of years ago.
I’m truly sorry my recent absence from the office caused you to have to do your own work.
Today I turned a gallon of coffee in to a pint of piss and a pint of code.
And I have no clue where the rest of the coffee went.
Maybe I sweated it out in that stupid project management meeting that lasted four hours.
I would insult you but I hate wasting good comedic material on such a small audience.
I have found it terribly difficult to focus in an environment where they actually expect me to do my job.
As a team lead I always feel guilty at bonus time. How do I convey the fact I am happy that because of their hard work throughout the year I got a bigger bonus?
“You may find this surprising but I’ve been called worse things by better people and not once has it changed my behaviour or made me want to continue working for them.”
I have found myself wishing, throughout our friendship, that we could be better strangers to each other.
I am a highly skilled negotiator when it comes to talking myself out of doing anything productive
I do so love a good political joke.
Right up until it gets elected.
Dear God, please give me the patience but not the strength to deal with the idiots I will face today.
With patience I will tolerate them.
But with strength I will haul off and smack them.
I’m so vague you probably think this diary entry is about you.
It doesn’t take much to get hired around here.
You need to be smart.
And you need to get shit done.
Which makes me wonder how I got a job here.
Oh wait, I own the company.
I have found that people who don’t have much to say make an awful lot of noise saying it.
“You make a lot of noise for someone who doesn’t have much to say.”
If it wasn’t for me, everything would get done around here.
Voting is kind of like getting vaccinated.
It doesn’t have much effect on the entire population if only one person does it.
But if enough people do it, it stops some bad stuff from happening.
P.S. Don’t forget to vote!
The light at the end of the tunnel has been switched off due to budget cuts.
It must be quite the hindrance to find that you have exhausted your entire vocabulary in a single sentence.
My mouth can very much get me in to trouble at times:
“I wasn’t insulting you. I was describing you.”
The only thing I plan to accomplish at work today is to turn a gallon of coffee in to a gallon of urine
“Ohmigod you really can’t see shit without these!” declared my friend to another who wears thick bottle rimmed glasses.
“No shit. Do you take a cripple’s wheelchair and roll around in declaring ‘Ohmigod, you really can’t walk for shit without this!’?” I asked.
I have met my coworkers and I have realised now why we have warning labels on everything.
I’ve suddenly become very productive today because I seem to have run out of things to do that aren’t anything to do with my job.
I like black humour. It lets me face being afraid of something I cannot control.
Jokes full of black humour are like kids with cancer.
They never get old.
“That’s an interesting way to state how a computer works, but now try explaining it to me again using grown-up words.”
Apparently this is not something you should say to your school teacher explaining how a computer works.
The BBS now has a quick chat forum.
You are limited to a maximum of 128 characters per message.
Think of it this way, posts to the quick chat forum should be like a young lady’s skirt. Long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to maintain the viewer’s interest.
When you login you will get a scroll of all the latest quick chats from the people in your subscribed social forums (unless you’ve blocked them).
You can also subscribe to the quick chats of people outside of your subscribed social forums by subscribing individually to each person’s quick chat.
Share news. Share life. Don’t share things you don’t want other people to see.
Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I will work diligently for hours on end for no pay but it does not mean I want a job that doesn’t pay me for my time.